SEANCHAN UNVEIL NEW BLUETOOTH-ENABLED A’DAM
Now its easier than ever to connect with your Sul’dam! No more limited range! No pesky cords to get in the way! Finally you and your Damane are able to enjoy the freedom of Bluetooth technology and the security of the Leash - it’s the best of both worlds! (Please leash responsibly.)
SUAVE WARDER FINDS SAX OF VALERE UNDER AMYRLIN SEAT! “An entire horn section could be spread across the Westlands!” says Saxy Sex Man Maksim, Warder to Alanna Mosvanni. The young heartbreaker took a break from his rigorous training and snack duties (take THAT, Ashley
Katchadourian!) to pose with his new find. Maksim commented, “I’m never gonna dig again. The way I dug for you…” and then climbed onto the Amyrlin Seat itself and performed several suggestive dance moves with the newly discovered horn.
In related news, looters have been spotted digging up horns under thrones from Bandar Eben to Cairhien, goaded on by narcissistic Amyrlin Elaida “Tiny Stole” do Avriny a’Roihan.
COFFEE CUP CURSE STRIKES WOT!
To the shock and dismay of streaming fantasy-genre fans everywhere, the curse of the wayward Starbucks cup has found its way onto the set of Amazon’s The Wheel of Time. The stray tell-tale white paper coffee cup appeared in a deleted scene (thank the Light!) in which bromance boys Rand al’Thor and Mat Cauthon take some quality time together on a hill outside of Tar Valon.
Everyone’s favorite Emo, Mat Cauthon, missed the evil omen however, and was only concerned that barista Danya got his name wrong. “Blood and ashes, Rand! She didn’t even spell my name right!” Apparently his mobile pickup was “less than memorable”, said the Barista when asked to comment, “but where’s my bracelet?”
Apparently when it comes to their choice in men, not only al’Thor could do better…
LORD AGELMAR MISSES “EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH” PHOTO SHOOT DUE TO TROLLOC RAID!
The timing couldn’t have been worse for Glamour Shots photographer and part-time inventor Kin Tovere. The old man hoped to retire after landing what he thought was the “gig of a lifetime”, being chosen to photograph Lord Agelmar Jagad, one of the Five Great Captains (tm), a former hit singing group now relegated to the Aryth Cruise Line entertainment circuit.
Fal Dara was about to unveil its next Employee of the Month (and repeat winner for the last 20 years), when Tovere’s photo shoot was interrupted by a trolloc raid, a common occurance in the Borderlands.
Jagad’s sister and Power School Dropout, the Lady Amalisa also had her plans interrupted, having to skip her distance-learning class Remedial Channeling 101. Both the Lord and Lady were forced to attend Picture Retake Day. Unfortunately, the Glamour Shots signature laser backdrops were stolen by the Shadowspawn during the raid. Tovere plans to “Photoshop out” the unsightly warehouse background.
That’s the news this week. If you don’t believe it, you’re a DARKFRIEND!
The Weekly Wheel News is a #wheeloftime inspired project by Rob Christianson, a designer and art director based in the Pacific Northwest. As a comedic weekly satire of the old supermarket tabloid Weekly World News and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, "The Paper" (as it is affectionately known in inner circles) is Randland's ONLY Reliable News Source... and if you don't believe that, YOU'RE A DARKFRIEND! The WWN continues to entertain thanks to the generous donations of its Patreon supporters. If you would like to help bring news (and laughter) to the fans of the Wheel of Time, please consider joining us at Patreon.com/WWN. Support at any level is appreciated. Tai'shar Manetheren.
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