WEEKLY WHEEL NEWS 4-15 hits peddler's carts now! In this week's news...
JERSEY DRAGHKAR HIRED AS DELI SPOKESMAN!
"AY, it beats flaming' DoorDash! They never bloody tipped me an-- AY, dis gabagool is friggin' delicious!" says Draghkar
Baerlon delicatessen Weets & Dat'sang has launched a new ad campaign, embracing the city's mischievous local troublemaker and hiring him as a corporate spokesdraghkar. Salva Toray, under his stage name "Gabaghoul" has agreed to be the popular deli's pitch man in exchange for weekly interns who aren't opposed to a nice mutton pie and possibly some suck-face in his trailer.
"People are always sayin 'Beware the draghkar's kiss. For once I just want them to try a nice pastrami on rye, for the Great Lord's sake! One bite and bada-bing! We gotcha."
VILLAGE SCOUNDREL CLAIMS HE READ THE FULL WHEEL OF TIME SERIES IN ONE MONTH!
Emond's Field Originalist and horse trader (with no horses) Matrim Cauthon made the claim when being teased by local friends Rand al'Thor and Perrin Aybara. He goes on to say he watched all 8 episodes (through a magic "ter'angreal" and shortly after his friends all left him on a hilltop with nothing to do, Cauthon claims to have read the entire book series while waiting for them. When pressed, he looked around anxiously and replied "Hey, I read a book. Once."
PEDDLER RECEIVES 1-STAR ETSY REVIEW... then brings Trollocs to murder entire village!
Traveling peddler and forever-bachelor Padan Fain received a single-star review from one "Cat Mauthon" the day before last Winternight, costing Fain his 'Star Seller' status. Fain was later spotted sneaking Trollocs into the town and hiding the beasts behind wagons of unused roof thatching, waiting for the perfect time to exact his revenge. Incel Fain suffered the last straw when local farm girl Callie Coplin refused to dance with him, after which he unleashed the beasts during the Winternight festivities.
No comment from local thatcher Cenn Buie as to why his wagons were still full of unused roofing materials.
LEWS THERIN ACQUITTED!
New evidence has surfaced revealing Lews Therin Telamon's wife, one Ilyena Sunhair, was not actually murdered by her mentally-disturbed channeler husband. Reports say Sunhair actually died of a massive paper cut, collapsing and bleeding out while calling for a band-aid from her husband. Mr. Telamon, who was distracted chatting with a visitor about a supposed karaoke night invitation.
The visitor declined to give any details, only telling our reporter that "he has, indeed, won again, Lews Therin."
These stories and more ONLY in the Weekly Wheel News, Randland's ONLY Reliable News Source. And if you don't believe it, YOU'RE A DARKFRIEND!
The Weekly Wheel News is a #wheeloftime inspired project by Rob Christianson, a designer and art director based in the Pacific Northwest. As a comedic weekly satire of the old supermarket tabloid Weekly World News and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, "The Paper" (as it is affectionately known in inner circles) is Randland's ONLY Reliable News Source... and if you don't believe that, YOU'RE A DARKFRIEND! The WWN continues to entertain thanks to the generous donations of its Patreon supporters. If you would like to help bring news (and laughter) to the fans of the Wheel of Time, please consider joining us at Patreon.com/WWN. Support at any level is appreciated. Tai'shar Manetheren.
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