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Let's Talk About Sex
A very non-serious column about sex, nudity, and related data in the Wheel of Time TV show.
This article contains spoilers for the first season of the Wheel of Time TV Show.
I know, I know, it has been forever since I last wrote an article for The Great Blight. I have not forgotten this Data, WoT Data? column, but sadly, collecting data takes time, and well… Between starting a podcast with a few friends from the Wheel of Time community (it’s called Queers of Time! Go check it out!) and moving from the US to the UK, I’ll admit that my available time has been somewhat limited.
And then something happened.
The 7th episode of Queers of Time was focused on sex and nudity in the Wheel of Time TV show, as a response to a Twitter poll made by Bree Bridges (@mostlybree). Bree is a Romance author with many published books under her belt and we were very grateful to have her on the podcast for this episode.
But as we were preparing for the episode, she mentioned her experience of dealing with people complaining about the amount of sex in her books, with readers sometimes even coming up with my level of data on how there was not enough sex or too much.
My level of data, you say?
It sounded like a challenge. So obviously, I rewatched the Wheel of Time TV show to come up with a bunch of (sometimes absurd) sex-related data about those first eight episodes. The quiz below is what I ended up sharing at the end of the 7th episode of Queers of Time, but since this is full of random numbers, here’s the written-up version…
[Disclaimer: do not take this post too seriously. It is meant to be crack, and while most of the following numbers should be close to their true value, approximation and slight errors are to be expected.]
As I was preparing for this episode, I found many reviews commenting on the sex and nudity of the show. As I quote, “the nudity is frequent and moderate, with butts and breasts on display”. Another comment mentioned the “sexualized nudity”, with “two women in the bath kissing” and breasts being shown. I still haven’t found out where those naked kissing ladies were, but this type of comment intrigued me.
In a twist of events that will surprise absolutely no one, I started a new spreadsheet and opened the Wheel of Time TV show on another screen. I had been given a new mission: finding the porn of the Wheel.
And now I am here to give you a pop quiz.
Q1. Since some of those comments mentioned butts, I decided to start with the obvious, and by that, I mean Daniel Henney’s impeccable behind that we got to see in the first episode. His were the only buttcheeks we’ve got to watch during this first season. But do you know for how long did we get to see them?
A1. A bit more than 6s (I measured 6s33). FYI, this is 0.024% of the show's total length (7h13m13s).
Q2. That single butt did not seem sufficient to reclassify the Wheel of Time TV show into porn. I thus had to look for more. From the first episode, I immediately skipped to episode 6, to the offending bath scene. Then I slowed down the speed… and counted the boobies. Can you guess the final result?
A2. 7 boobs, which appeared for 17 to 18s on-screen (0.07% of the show's total length). Honorable mention to Moiraine’s side boob we got to see later in the episode.
Q3. There’s no reason why we should only focus on female boobs. After all, as queer folks, we love saying fuck to gender norms. Men also got to show their nipples in this show. Can you remember who, when, and how many nipples did those men show?
A3. Only Lan and Rand got to show their nipples. Total count 8, as Lan only showed one nipple during the bath scene in Ep1, and one during Stepin’s funeral.
Episode | Character | Scene | Nipple Count |
1 | Lan | Bath scene | 1 |
1 | Rand | Discussion with Egwene | 2 |
5 | Lan | Stepin's funeral | 1 |
7 | Lan | Pre-sex with Nynaeve | 2 |
7 | Rand | Post-sex with Egwene | 2 |
Q4. We did have a few scenes with completely naked characters. But who was involved, and how long did they last?
A4. Technically, for on-screen scenes, only the moment where Lan is getting into the bath and the scene with Egwene and the Whitecloaks should count. But we could add the full bath scene from Ep1, as both Moiraine and Lan are naked in the bathtub. Additionally, if you consider that only wearing a towel around your hips is still being naked, the bath scene from Ep6 can be added.
Episode | Characters | Scene | Length | Technically? |
1 | Lan | Bath scene | 6s33 |